Monday, October 10, 2016

Kawalan

Sinusubukan ko naman
na harapin and katotohanan
na lunukin and sakit
dulot ng karanasang puno ng pait

Pinaninindigan ko naman
na igalaw ang mga kalamnan
na bigyang buhay
katawang pagod at lupaypay

Pero paano sa mundong ito
sa araw araw na buhay ko
kawalan ng lunas sa damdamin
at and pag-asa na matatawag na akin

Wala na, di na kita maramdaman...


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Strange Me watching Stranger Things

"Ever wonder why other people you do not know are called strangers?  Its because everyone is strange in their own ways, you deem other people as stranger because you feel they are weirder than you..."
Just one of the many "intellectual conversations I had with my college buddy, Kei,

When i try to look back into my life and the friends i have had who made me change how I saw life then, i realize how much I do not know.  I realize how dumb i was compared to those friends who at the same age as me, have come to understand this so called life, in a deeper way.

So why did I want to write about strangers and friends?  Its actually because of this new series in Netflix.  The past weeks, i got hooked in a series over Netflix when my daughter made me watch an episode of Pretty Little Liars, and it did not take me too long to actually skipped over the season where my daughter was and I was ahead of her bookmark.  

Last Sunday night as we waited for our Chinese take out, i came across this nicely done 80's theme poster in Netflix and i clicked on it thinking it was a movie.  I did not want to get hooked again in another series as i cannot anymore afford late night watching for the next few weeks (took me 3 weeks to finish PLL's 6 seasons).  I got hooked to the first few minutes....  and the next 12 hours, i finished the whole season... And I love it! Can't wait for Season 2! 

So this group of 12year-old friends, Will, Mike, Lucas and Dustin, typical 80's kids, have gone through more than other kids their age.  From 1980's middle school bullying, alien abduction, mutant friends with superpowers, etc.. and all happened in a span of 1 week.  But i will bet the 7 days of their life would somehow define what they will be in the future.

Which brings me back to my initial thought of strange vs. strangers, and how dumb i was when i was younger. I'm strange and I love it.  I like being weird and I do not care what other people say.  I was bullied in a way back in elementary and during then, it may have seemed like I was weak, but it made me stronger today.  It made me stand up again and prove everyone I am better.  

Ok, this whole entry is strange.  My brain flow is just not for everyone to understand write now.  And I don't want to spend a few more minutes to redo this whole thing.  

Haha.  Weirdo! 







Monday, April 4, 2016

Energizer to no energy at all

Its a Monday and I am staying home today.
I am weak and my stomach is unsettled with both bacteria and mixed emotions rolling altogether inside of me.

Mediocrity. In a world full of this, how can one live and let live without aiming to be better than the average?

I am frustrated.  I try to aim for excellence.  And yet, i get caught up with the pace of everyone else around me causing be heart break and disappointment.

Maybe its because i am too, full of mediocrity.

I am no better than everyone else.  Must.  Remember.  This.





Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A speck-tator in this world

So i have been spending my morning drive to the office listening to Simon Sinek's voice in the car.  I am almost done with another audio book given that traffic in Metro has been horrible these days.

Leaders Eat Last. In this particular book, the author sites situations and stories of leaders who exemplified a leadership style that he thought is bound for success.  Not always winning in the business kind of success, but that success wherein members of the team are secure and satisfied with their lives that the they work because they want to, not just because they have to.

This is my 2nd leadership book for the year.  I read books like these to inspire myself and discover topics that i can discuss with our team in the office either during formal townhalls or over lunch.   I like learning new things. And it usually works.  I get inspired and i pass on the inspirations to others. 

Something weird though is happening. The books this year, both my Simon Sinek, Start with Why and Leaders Eat Last, is not doing how inspirational books should be affecting me. Instead of me discovering my style and the potential of being a leader, i start to question those leaders around me. And as each question pops up, i start to get frustrated and disillusioned.

Government. I never really cared about them.  I hate politics and I stay away from it as much as possible. Now I suddenly have a say on this presidential election coming up. And again, its frustrating that of all the 103M people of the Philippines, the people running are all full of sh*t. 

Teachers.  I started thinking of all the teachers i had in my life.  Both in school and at work.  And then in my head, if only there were more good teachers in this world, then it would have been a better place.  I actually thought just recently, that i should have been one.  Could have change lives...

Bosses.  I have had a share of characters from my past and present bosses.  From the ultra patient to the the extremely impatient.  Super nice ones to assholes and bitches. From teachers to justifiers. And this is where i am mostly affected with the book readings...

You see, whoever is reading this, you probably don't know me personally. These past months, as I read books and listened to facilitators in workshops, i start to realize that i can actually be a leader, and a good one at that.  And as I listened to Simon Sinek, i start to question myself and the world, whys and what for....

I am confused and disillusioned.  I am in a fork where its either fight or flight.  I care too much and gets too emotional which is not always advantageous. I compete with myself and I sometimes start to hate myself for it as well.  And i am tired. Of thinking.  Of inventing. Of being good at EVERYTHING i do.  All because i realized that we are, after all, just a speck of dust in this galaxy. The more i learn, the less I know.  The more i understand, the more i start to hate.  The more i absorb, the more tired i get. 

Maybe its a phase.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe I'll get over it.  But a door opened in me, that door that made me realize that i know nothing. NOTHING. 


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Are you in or out?

I have always been a big believer of giving all out.

And my marketing mentor, an ex-boss of mine, made me realize that this meant i value excellence.

And apparently I do!

These past months, i am torn in the middle of giving all out or half heart.

And this is not good. because im miserable.  I just need to remember the Ana 12 months ago.

Then I am good to go and fight again.

 

Monday, February 1, 2016

Goats for Monkey 2016

It was only 5 years ago when I started to actively review my Chinese Horoscope forecast for the coming year.  The reason why i started to do so was due to my boss then, who was a big believer of astrological things like these that we spend a whole afternoon discussing each and every member of the team's horoscope and personalities based on that.  

It was also 5 years ago when i started to actually consult Feng Shui shops on which amulets is good for the coming year specific to the year of the Goat people, like me.  I also found out that Goats have secret friends and they are the Horses.  It is believed that secret friends in the Chinese Astrology, are those you gain strength from in low times.   My husband was worn on a Year of the Horse.  So was 2 of my favorite bosses.  And this made me somehow believe in it more as i do get along well with all three of them.

With the Chinese New Year coming up next week, of course I started to read on my forecast for the year.  There are several websites available and this morning, reading on to maybe 4th or 5th site I chanced upon, the long read concluded to this:


"To conclude, the Sheep Horoscope 2016 predicts that in the Year of the Monkey, the goats will have to be patient and analyze what is stopping them from succeeding in life."

The full forecast can be found here.

Another year it is for patience and analysis.  The real question is, defining what is "success" means for me.






Sunday, January 31, 2016

The struggle is real!

I sit in front of my computer this Sunday night, last day of January, year 2016.  Still wondering and trying to figure out, the struggle we call life.

Where was I 20 years ago? 1996.  That was the last few months of my Senior year in high school.  During then, I was still awaiting the results of my college admission exams.  It was also the same time 20 years ago that I was in pain brought about by a high school love.  He just decided not to to speak to me after the Christmas break.  I was so confused and at a lost trying to understand what i had done that made him vanish my presence in his life, just like that.  Everyone was preparing for prom.  And he was partnered with someone from the lower year for the cotillion.  My partner was Serafin.  There I was 20 years ago, confused and lost, anxious about the future, in pain yet stayed strong.  


And 10 years ago? 2006. That was the year, we decided we to get married.  It was August 2006 when we told my parents about it.  We had dinner in Poquito Mas in Alabang to ask for their blessing.  That decision to get married must be one of the major decisions in my life that I was so sure of.  I knew we had differences, I knew that despite knowing him for years, the fact was that I still don't know him, I knew that it would be a struggle as we had different views on dozens of things.  But I also knew that that i was willing to learn and adjust for him. We got married 7 months later in 2007.

How about last year?  2015?  I was bothered and worried on some news going around the office about the boss then leaving the company.  When he replied to my message that we will have lunch the following day, i knew that it was true.  My boss then, is my favorite Boss in the world, I can go on and on with the good and the bad things about him, and I would still say that he's my favorite boss in the world. 

Where is this all going?  I really don't know... What I was trying to arrive at is the fact that the struggle is indeed real.  I want to make a difference in the world.  That's what I really want to do.  I just am not sure, which aspect of this life I can actually change.  How can I change the world when I can't even figure out myself?