Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A speck-tator in this world

So i have been spending my morning drive to the office listening to Simon Sinek's voice in the car.  I am almost done with another audio book given that traffic in Metro has been horrible these days.

Leaders Eat Last. In this particular book, the author sites situations and stories of leaders who exemplified a leadership style that he thought is bound for success.  Not always winning in the business kind of success, but that success wherein members of the team are secure and satisfied with their lives that the they work because they want to, not just because they have to.

This is my 2nd leadership book for the year.  I read books like these to inspire myself and discover topics that i can discuss with our team in the office either during formal townhalls or over lunch.   I like learning new things. And it usually works.  I get inspired and i pass on the inspirations to others. 

Something weird though is happening. The books this year, both my Simon Sinek, Start with Why and Leaders Eat Last, is not doing how inspirational books should be affecting me. Instead of me discovering my style and the potential of being a leader, i start to question those leaders around me. And as each question pops up, i start to get frustrated and disillusioned.

Government. I never really cared about them.  I hate politics and I stay away from it as much as possible. Now I suddenly have a say on this presidential election coming up. And again, its frustrating that of all the 103M people of the Philippines, the people running are all full of sh*t. 

Teachers.  I started thinking of all the teachers i had in my life.  Both in school and at work.  And then in my head, if only there were more good teachers in this world, then it would have been a better place.  I actually thought just recently, that i should have been one.  Could have change lives...

Bosses.  I have had a share of characters from my past and present bosses.  From the ultra patient to the the extremely impatient.  Super nice ones to assholes and bitches. From teachers to justifiers. And this is where i am mostly affected with the book readings...

You see, whoever is reading this, you probably don't know me personally. These past months, as I read books and listened to facilitators in workshops, i start to realize that i can actually be a leader, and a good one at that.  And as I listened to Simon Sinek, i start to question myself and the world, whys and what for....

I am confused and disillusioned.  I am in a fork where its either fight or flight.  I care too much and gets too emotional which is not always advantageous. I compete with myself and I sometimes start to hate myself for it as well.  And i am tired. Of thinking.  Of inventing. Of being good at EVERYTHING i do.  All because i realized that we are, after all, just a speck of dust in this galaxy. The more i learn, the less I know.  The more i understand, the more i start to hate.  The more i absorb, the more tired i get. 

Maybe its a phase.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe I'll get over it.  But a door opened in me, that door that made me realize that i know nothing. NOTHING. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Are you in or out?

I have always been a big believer of giving all out.

And my marketing mentor, an ex-boss of mine, made me realize that this meant i value excellence.

And apparently I do!

These past months, i am torn in the middle of giving all out or half heart.

And this is not good. because im miserable.  I just need to remember the Ana 12 months ago.

Then I am good to go and fight again.


Monday, February 1, 2016

Goats for Monkey 2016

It was only 5 years ago when I started to actively review my Chinese Horoscope forecast for the coming year.  The reason why i started to do so was due to my boss then, who was a big believer of astrological things like these that we spend a whole afternoon discussing each and every member of the team's horoscope and personalities based on that.  

It was also 5 years ago when i started to actually consult Feng Shui shops on which amulets is good for the coming year specific to the year of the Goat people, like me.  I also found out that Goats have secret friends and they are the Horses.  It is believed that secret friends in the Chinese Astrology, are those you gain strength from in low times.   My husband was worn on a Year of the Horse.  So was 2 of my favorite bosses.  And this made me somehow believe in it more as i do get along well with all three of them.

With the Chinese New Year coming up next week, of course I started to read on my forecast for the year.  There are several websites available and this morning, reading on to maybe 4th or 5th site I chanced upon, the long read concluded to this:

"To conclude, the Sheep Horoscope 2016 predicts that in the Year of the Monkey, the goats will have to be patient and analyze what is stopping them from succeeding in life."

The full forecast can be found here.

Another year it is for patience and analysis.  The real question is, defining what is "success" means for me.