Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A speck-tator in this world

So i have been spending my morning drive to the office listening to Simon Sinek's voice in the car.  I am almost done with another audio book given that traffic in Metro has been horrible these days.

Leaders Eat Last. In this particular book, the author sites situations and stories of leaders who exemplified a leadership style that he thought is bound for success.  Not always winning in the business kind of success, but that success wherein members of the team are secure and satisfied with their lives that the they work because they want to, not just because they have to.

This is my 2nd leadership book for the year.  I read books like these to inspire myself and discover topics that i can discuss with our team in the office either during formal townhalls or over lunch.   I like learning new things. And it usually works.  I get inspired and i pass on the inspirations to others. 

Something weird though is happening. The books this year, both my Simon Sinek, Start with Why and Leaders Eat Last, is not doing how inspirational books should be affecting me. Instead of me discovering my style and the potential of being a leader, i start to question those leaders around me. And as each question pops up, i start to get frustrated and disillusioned.

Government. I never really cared about them.  I hate politics and I stay away from it as much as possible. Now I suddenly have a say on this presidential election coming up. And again, its frustrating that of all the 103M people of the Philippines, the people running are all full of sh*t. 

Teachers.  I started thinking of all the teachers i had in my life.  Both in school and at work.  And then in my head, if only there were more good teachers in this world, then it would have been a better place.  I actually thought just recently, that i should have been one.  Could have change lives...

Bosses.  I have had a share of characters from my past and present bosses.  From the ultra patient to the the extremely impatient.  Super nice ones to assholes and bitches. From teachers to justifiers. And this is where i am mostly affected with the book readings...

You see, whoever is reading this, you probably don't know me personally. These past months, as I read books and listened to facilitators in workshops, i start to realize that i can actually be a leader, and a good one at that.  And as I listened to Simon Sinek, i start to question myself and the world, whys and what for....

I am confused and disillusioned.  I am in a fork where its either fight or flight.  I care too much and gets too emotional which is not always advantageous. I compete with myself and I sometimes start to hate myself for it as well.  And i am tired. Of thinking.  Of inventing. Of being good at EVERYTHING i do.  All because i realized that we are, after all, just a speck of dust in this galaxy. The more i learn, the less I know.  The more i understand, the more i start to hate.  The more i absorb, the more tired i get. 

Maybe its a phase.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe I'll get over it.  But a door opened in me, that door that made me realize that i know nothing. NOTHING. 

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