Thursday, October 19, 2017

End of Friendship

I am once again disillusioned today more than ever. This time on friendship.

Its the worst feeling, when you thought you had a strong support system, a few heads you thought you could turn to when the going gets tough... but you realize what you thought you had is not on the same level as what they think you have...

Most probably i am at fault somehow, because i chose to be alone, most of the time. Maybe i turned my back first...

I am in shit and I chose to deal with things on my own... but that move is turning out to be the better way to go... i would have pushed myself to people who doesn't really want me. 

Lesson learned.  Dont ever fight with yourself, because after all the sh*t, you will only have yourself to turn to... it's ok P....

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Understanding LIfe

If it was up to me, i would write everyday.  Then again, IT IS up to me.

So why not?  I do not have the talent to articulate my thoughts the way i want to.
The few times i write well, i get too surprised after reading it through a few days after.  And most of the time, i vaguely remember what it was about.

My friend Melan used to always remind me to not worry too much because life is too short to be miserable.  And i say "Hell yeah!" to that.  It is true.  Life is too short.  He's been dead for a year, if anyone is interested to know.  So I chanced upon this book online.  "THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK" and it has brought my miserable days to inches of happiness.  Same idea about life being too short to be miserable but maybe some things can be treated differently versus the others, and identifying which ones to give a fuck about will mainly be driven with what one values in life.  Its the same as "Choosing ones battles wisely".  Choosing to win on battles that matter.

So yeah.  Why am i blabbing about this today?  Well, yesterday was a bit of an eye opener in a lot of ways.  I have been intentionally not giving a f*ck about a lot of things lately and yesterday, i kinda went back.  Maybe because i made myself believe that i dont care about those things but really deep in my core and in my heart, I do.  

Now, gotta go back to the drawing board.  Understand this life, i must.  My values and its stand on me may not be so strong as yet. Or maybe, i just haven't realized it as i thought i did.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Far far away land

I always thought i love travelling.
Discovering new things, going to different places...

Now almost halfway across the home base
After days of going to great places...
To places that would have sparked my dying wick

How come i still feel empty?
How is it that i feel lost?
That I don't belong?

The need to be true to myself,
Requiring me to be more genuine
happiness needs to be true
Love needs be honest

Where is my heart at?
That I have to find out...

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Checking if this works

If i listed down all my what if thoughts, i would have written volumes of books on it already...

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, March 31, 2017

End of a Quarter

Today marks the last day of the first quarter of the year.  Yes guys, 3 months have passed this 2017!

I get that feeling that my next entry after this will be asking on what happened to the year.  I dont want this to happen.  I dont want to see myself looking at the ceiling wondering if i did anything great this 2017.

Every morning for the past weeks, as i go through my trip to the office, i have been asking myself on what can be the real purpose of my existence.  Did i get to already made a mark? to the people around me or the people i interact and engage with?

I want to say to myself that "you're doing great" but am I?

I dunno.  But i hope this is not yet it.. It cannot be just this. 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Unplanned House Arrest and The Climb

On to the second month of the year and... an unplanned house arrest for a week, 3 trips to the emergency room and an overnight stay in a deluxe room of a hospital...

I can say that this week was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, physical struggle, and mental challenge.

The flu virus i was infected with did a hell of an infection.  I don't remember being this sick. I got scared especially with guilt of years and years of taking my body for granted.  I feel this was my body's way of warning and reminding me of my real age...

Vitamins, exercise, correct diet, water intake.  repeat.  2017 will indeed be a year for this.  I will be healthier.  I will loose more weight.  I will meditate and take my Yoga classes seriously.  I will spend a week in Cambodia for quiet time.  I intend to be better this year, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

I will appreciate what i have.  I will be more positive and forget the sad and bad 2016.  I will constantly remind myself to better and better everyday.  I will dig into my past and try to remember my self from 8 years ago -   THE CLIMB days when i would sing to Miley's song with all my heart and soul and fully believe in it.

Universe, i need your energy.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Love Food - Love Month

Second month into 2017.

The saltiness and bitterness of 2016 is still reflective in the first few weeks of 2017 and i am still hopeful that it can only get better.

I am frustrated.  I am confused.  Just because i made this work my life.  My work-life is balanced, dont get me wrong.  Its just that my balance is different from everyone else and may still be skewed towards work.  Good thing is its has significantly changed...

I just wish i can find my spark back...

I am still be challenged... by the new guy.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Delightful Cheers for 2016

The question that you would be asked during the last or the first few days of the year:

How was your year?

And I would usually have an answer to this before the big holiday break.  That same message i would usually share to my team and to those closest to me.  The well-thought of answer
would be a topic for discussion with friends and family during gatherings or road trips.. the first entry in my diary..

Not this time.  

I had a short and sweet meet up with an old friend 2 days into the new year, and he asked me how my year was --- no answer, nothing that made sense.  My sister asked me on Jan 1 and all i could say was that 2016 was a big blur..

Why am I not myself the past year?  or this coming year, will it still be the same?

Yoga and Mindfulness

I have been practicing yoga for a year now... atleast doing one session a week.  This made me open up my senses and become more aware of the things happening around me... I know someday i would be able to embrace this openness, but for now, its making me realize how bad others are... and there is nothing i can do about it for now.

I am at a stage where my realization is that i can't always help.  I can't control it all or even do anything to change the course of things... 

Hoping that this is part of the stage of acceptance... 

How will the next year be?

I need to understand the past so i can move on and make tomorrow better... I need to make 2017 better because 2016 was year of emotional outbursts, depressions, netflix binge watching, mediocrity and just sadness... I need to understand what happened so i can finally move on... 

I have a lot of thinking to do, but for now, I'm bidding the greatest and biggest goodbye to 2016, I'm glad that its over and happy to know that i can only move forward... 

Cheers 2016! Clinking the glasses and throwing the champagne all over the 365 days of it...